Negative Habits in Marriage
In a new marriage, the setting of positive habits can curb the creation of negative habits to great degree. But without a certain amount of awareness, certain habits will appear that have a negative impact on your marriage. An older marriage is usually subject to many automatic behaviors in each spouse. Remember that these habits are in place for our survival and continue operation in seeking pleasure instead of pain. A negative habit is the brains way of seeking those goals in daily marital interaction and in conflict.
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Negative marital habits can be divided into two types: Destroying Habits and Corroding Habits. These forms of habits are both harmful to the integrity of a marriage and hinder marital satisfaction.
Destroying Habits
John M. Gottman, Ph.D., a leading research scientist on marriage and family has visited with countless couples and found a few telltale signs of major marital problems. He terms these signs the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” because they can be lethal to a marriage if allowed to run rampant (become a habit). They include: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Each of these habits are triggered by a conflict and are used to attempt to end the conflict.
Criticism
While a complaint to your spouse would focus on a specific situation, criticism instead is focused on your spouse as a person. Their inability to perform a task is presented as a character defect. Telling your spouse that they are lazy, insensitive, or selfish. Sentences of a criticizing spouse often start with, “you always” or “you never”.
Contempt
A position of superiority and high morality is taken in a spouse expressing contempt to their partner. This can be identified as prideful, viewing oneself as always right and the other as wrong and morality incorrect. The contemptuous person cannot be wrong.
Defensiveness
A spouse who takes the role of the victim in an argument often becomes defensive. They attempt to express that the blame ultimately lies on their partner rather than them. That they are being wronged in some way and cannot take the responsibility.
Stonewalling
A habit of tuning out and shutting down in the face of conflict. A spouse who stonewalls has found that the best thing to do is wait out the storming partner until they can get back to more pleasant activities. They stop giving feed back to the discussion and become a stone wall.
Of the four habits of conflict, with which can you most identify in the midst of a conflict? Are there more than one?
It can be quite clear that the presence of any of these habits to deal with conflict can be destructive to a marriage. Recognize that these habits are often unconsciously formed and followed because in some way the previous conflicts have been “ended” by their use.
But the mere ending of a conflict isn’t beneficial to marriage if the argument isn’t resolved. The difference lies in the connection that will exist between the spouses afterwards. You and your spouse should still have feelings of love and affection towards each other if a conflict is resolved correctly.
Corroding Habits
The other type of habits that have a negative effect on a marriage are those that are more regular and occur outside of conflict. These habits are incredibly common and slowly deteriorate the foundation of a marriage.
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Corrosive Habits are those that drive you and your spouse apart and cause you to turn away from your spouse at important moments.
An example
A negative habit that my wife and I have developed is watching television during dinner. This habit has had a negative effect on our relationship because it separates us emotionally in a circumstance where we could communicate and draw closer together. After we finish eating, we continue to watch television until our son’s bed time. This habit fills the evening almost every night.