Working Together
Before we continue..
Before we move into the process and steps of habit change and creation from a marital perspective, we should remember why we want to do any of this in the first place. The satisfaction we experience in any relationship, especially our marriages is dependent on how we interact on a regular basis. Remembering the big things like anniversaries, birthdays and traditions is important but will account for very little if you are indifferent to each other every day.
You are here because you want the very best for your marriage. You recognize that you have some habits that may be harming your marriage and want to change them. You also want to work as a team with your spouse to create habits and rituals that will unite you over the years in happiness.
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Habit Creation
The goal of connection with your spouse on a daily basis is accomplished from habit formation. If you remember from the second lesson, Process of Habits, you took the time to apply the habit cycle in 5 steps.
They included: Pick a Habit, Determine Why, Decide on a Trigger, Solidify the Action, and Reward Yourself. Hopefully you recorded your impressions for each of these steps and have attempted to formulate a habit on your own. If you have, you may have succeeded or failed. Habit formation isn’t always easy but it is worth the effort.
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The process of forming habits in your marriage is exactly the same. The only difference is that you will follow these steps together.
When you work with your spouse, you compound your efforts to form a habit. If one of you catches on to the habit a little faster than the other, they can give gentle reminders to reinforce the presence of the triggers and allow the habit to take hold in both of your lives.
Application
Return to the lesson, Process of Habits, and follow the steps to create a habit with your spouse. It is important that you are open and honest with each other throughout the process so the habit has meaning and you both intend for it to become a reality.
Habit Change
Along with creating a new set of habits, it is important to address and alter preexisting habits as a couple. We have focused a lot on creating a new habit from scratch by following the five steps. But this process doesn’t address the reality that we already have a set of triggers, actions, and rewards that we engage in on a regular basis.
Charles Duhigg and behavioral researchers recognize the difficulty of terminating a habit that negatively impacts our lives. Their suggestions revolve around the Habit Cycle we have previously discussed. While many habit ending techniques focus on avoiding the triggers that are associated with a behavior, it is recommened that you only attempt to change the behavior and keep the associated triggers and rewards intact with the habit.
An example
Perhaps you have the habit of watching television at the end of each day. You are triggered by washing the dishes after dinner, you sit down to watch the television, and are rewarded by relaxing and unwinding. Because your spouse doesn’t enjoy watching television, you usually spend the evenings apart from each other.
You want to spend more time connecting with your spouse so you think about what activity you could both engage in that could follow washing the dishes and finish with relaxation. You determine a walk after the dishes would fulfill both of your desires. You discuss this goal with your wife and you both agree that it would be beneficial to your marriage. So the next day, after washing the dishes you are triggered to sit down and watch television, but you remember your desire and commitment to change this habit and instead ask your spouse to go on a walk.
What is another behavior that could replace television watching in the scenario above?
Habits are not changed automatically, you are working against a system that has been put into place by your repeated behavior. To alter any habit, you must continue to make the same decisions on a regular basis. You aren’t perfect, and you’ll probably revert back to the hold ingrained habit. But eventually, with enough repetition, you will automatically perform the desired behavior.
Ask yourself, “What habit do I have that I am willing to change for my marriage?”
What do I do now?
If you have made it to this point, I congratulate you on your desire to create and change habits for the benefit of your marriage. You have learned how the brain learns habits, how those habits play out, how to identify those habits, both positive and negative, and learned what it takes to work with your spouse to change together.
You have also taken the time to apply principles from each lesson to develop a belief that you can change, to create a healthy habit from scratch, to identify your own habits, and to have a frank and valuable conversation with your spouse about habits and expectations.
If you haven’t been able to learn or accomplish these things, I recommend returning and reviewing the lessons and also exploring the Further Learning section, where there are videos and literature suggestions to deepen your education on habit formation and marital rituals.
The process of habit change isn’t an easy fix and will take time. But don’t give up! Remember that your automatic behavior on a daily basis will bolster or frustrate your marriage. Continue to communicate with your spouse about your individual and marital habits. Habits have the potential to do great things or to ruin your life.